I never had thought there was such a thing as a bad doughnut until the folks in my city in North Dakota started spewing them out. Mind you, that was not always the case. When my family first moved to North Dakota, there were several family-owned bakeries. They made good-quality breads, rolls, doughnuts, etc. The gradually disappeared, and soon the only place to get doughnuts was at the grocery store. Still good, but not quite as good as the bakeries. Fast-forward several years, and the doughnuts at the grocery store began to be less tasty. Stick with glazed and or the old cake doughnuts and you might be OK, but a chocolate doughnut? Forget it. The chocolate was a gooey, running mess within a few hours of rescuing it from the store’s bakery shelf. I rarely would get them after a while because they simply were no longer enjoyable. Now that I am in Wichita, doughnuts are back in my life. And I am enjoying them. I have had doughnuts from a few locations so far, and I have enjoyed them all. But it got me to thinking - I went from basically being doughnutless to now having to choose where to get a doughnut. That most definitely is my kind of first world problem. My curiosity is still piqued though as to which places have the best doughnuts. So with that in mind, I have assigned myself what I expect to be the fantabulous chore of trying doughnuts from each doughnut shop in town and then notating my thoughts here. By the end of the doughnut tour, I hope to have enjoyed my fair share and also come up with a ranking. I also have enlisted the help of the one and only @kscutiepie - I trust her tastebuds and her judgment (except when it comes to bismarcks - ewwww!!). I am excited to start this tasty, um, I mean very daunting task. First stop: Chicago Donuts. 

It had been a scary, emotionally draining wait for my girlfriend’s appointment for a repeat sonogram of her breast. A spot had been found a few weeks ago. And then, last week at the specialist’s office, it wasn’t found. So another appointment for another sonogram was set for Monday. After what seemed like an eternity from Monday’s appointment, where the spot was found immediately and followed right away by a biopsy, we got the call with the news we had been hoping for: Benign. The spot still needs to come out, but that is a small hurdle we are glad to face compared with what could have been. I love my girl so damn much - words really do not express it well at all. And I cherish every second with her. The thought of that something could take her away from me was something I could barely face. I am glad I do not have to. I want her by my side, her hand in mine, forever.

March 4 marked an important milestone. It was the first anniversary for my girlfriend and me. We each have gone through a lot in our lives in recent years and, despite all odds, we somehow met, became friends and then (gasp! - LOL!) fall in love - something neither of expected or even been looking for. But it happened. And I am so damn glad.

I’ve written before about the joy she brings to my life each day. And how she’s given me a reason to smile again when I thought my smile had permanently gone to the same place my heart had disappeared to two-plus years ago.

Marking this anniversary got me into a reflective mode. One night last week, I was working on my “card” for my girl when I heard “Seasons of Love” from Rent. It is my favorite song from the play.

It starts like this: “525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes, how do you measure - measure year?”

A good question at any time, but especially so for me as I was writing. “In daylights, in midnights, in sunsets, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes, how do you measure a year in the life? How about love?”

Well, yes. How about love? I think that is what I have been doing for the past year. When the miles between us were many and even now that we are close, the moments we share are sacred to me. They are filled with daylights, coffee, laughter and strife - and so, so, so much more. I savor every moment with my girl and we often are amazed at how fast time seems to fly when we are together. 

I told her in my “card” that I look forward to many more anniversaries with her, and I do. I also look forward to more midnights, sunsets, coffee, laughter … . all measured in love. 

—- 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8iTeDl_Wug  …. there are other choices, but my favorite version is this one

Family and friends will gather this weekend to celebrate the life of my friend, Paul. I can almost hear what he would have to say if I were able to tell him I am sorry I cannot be there. While I won’t be there, my words will. Too bad they fall short of saying how importnt he was to me.

To Paul

You told me many times that you were living on borrowed time. I wish we could have found a way to borrow some more.
You were a neighbor and a curling teammate’s husband when I met you. You became my friend, my sounding board, my advisor, a fountain of facts and information, a fellow sports fan, a fellow Leo, a dining companion who would invite me for your latest batch of spaghetti, chili or slumgullion, some wine and conversation. As good as the wine and food always were, it is the conversations I will miss the most. In many ways, you really were like a father to me. I already was missing you when I moved, but knowing you won’t be there when I return for a visit or pick up the phone and talk to you like I could just a few weeks ago makes me miss you that much more.

So now, for one last time, I will remind you that the dancing girls must be gone before Julia gets home. And, though it is not 2 in the morning, I will say good night like we used to: Baretta. Good night.

In some ways, it is hard to believe it has already been 11 months. In others, it seems like we have known each other forever. We have done so much together since March 4, and we have a lot of wonderful memories. I canot wait to make some more. I love you with all my heart, Babe.

I have promised you forever, and I truly mean it. You have made the past 10 months very special and filled my heart with immeasurable love, hope and joy. It took all of these years to find each other, and I don’t want to let go of you. Not ever. Each moment we have together, whether a few minutes or a few days, is a treasure, something I cherish and never take for granted. I mean this, Babe, and love you with all my heart, now and always.

All My Life

Am I really here in your arms

This is just like I dreamed it would be

I feel like we’re frozen in time

And you’re the only one I can see

And hey

I’ve looked all my life for you

Now you’re here

And hey

I’ll spend all my life with you

All my life

And I never really knew how to love

I just hoped somehow I’d see

Oh I asked for a little help from above

Send an angel down to me

And hey

I’ve looked all my life for you

And now you’re here

And hey

I’ll spend all my life with you

All my life

I never thought I could feel a love so tender

I never thought I could let those feelings show

But now my heart is on my sleeve

And this love will never leave

And hey

I’ve looked all my life for you

And now you’re here

And hey

I’ll spend all my life with you

All my life

(Lyrics www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/karla_bonoff/)

The fireworks are sounding to ring in 2012 as I begin retyping this post that disappeared as I tried to save it.

I spent the day reading, resting, cleaning, unpacking, cuddling critters and mostly reflecting on the past year. A lot has happened, mostly good.

- I left my job at the Herald after 34 years, 1 month, 12 days. It was a scary decision yet also one that almost instantly lifted a heavy load from my shoulders.

- I moved to Wichita. I ended up buying a house I never thought I had a chance of ever affording, but the stars aligned and it is now home. I got some teasing for the order I did my move, but for me, it all has worked out wonderfully well, and to be honest, I’m not sure I could’ve done it any other way. A sign of how ready I was to leave: The day I left for good, I kept wondering why I wasn’t sad or feeling any twinges of missing the place. I felt none of that. Still don’t.

- I made new friends, drifted from some and said goodbye to others. The goodbyes are always the hardest, especially when they are family. I said goodbye to Sara in February, Bailey in May and Maggie in October. There has been a lot of adjusting to the holes they left, especially for Murphy, but the sting has mostly faded. Bella, aka B.O.B. (bag of bones) or the convict, walked into our lives and into the house in November. She seems to have settled in pretty well with Murphy and Nuri and seems like she’s always been a part of the family. Now if she would just remember that her life on the streets is a thing of the past and that she has a lovely litter box or three to do her business in, it would be a wonderful thing. Until then, she will be a convict in the bathroom except for when she is paroled while I am at home.

- I took a job with the county. I was told by a few people that I was crazy to leave the job at the paper. Yes, I took a hefty pay cut, lost vacation and seniority. But the new job is interesting, is challenging, has managers who want to see you succeed and give you the tools to do so, has nice people to work with and learn from and is a job that makes a difference in people’s lives every day. Sounds pretty darn good to me.

- I continued to push myself creatively. I did pottery. I made another Nano attempt. I also did the Sketchbook Project, which pushed me into another new area and was a lot of fun. Will be doing more of those things in 2012 I hope, plus pulling out my guitar. I got a wonderful new sewing machine for Christmas and am excited to try my hand at quilting again.

- I traveled. Most of the trips were back and forth between Grand Forks and Wichita. But I also got to Texas for a week, to Minneapolis, to Chicago and to Lake Winnipeg. And for most of those destinations, I had a wonderful traveling companion… .

- I’ve saved the best for last. My wonderful girlfriend. She’s my favorite traveling companion. She challenges me, she encourages me, she makes my heart pound and she loves me. I can honestly say that I would in all likelihood not be here were it not for her caring, her strength and encouragement. She by far has been the biggest blessing in my life and I am more than grateful. I wrote in a blog post months ago that she not only made me smile, but she gave me a reason to smile. That still describes it. She makes me laugh, she fills my heart with love and joy and the thought of her simply brightens my days. I can’t wait for more of all of that with her in 2012.

I have waited a year to be able to spend today with the one I love. Last year, I was in a different place in her life. This year, I am blessed to be able to call her girlfriend. We have covered a lot of ground in the last year, and that has only made us stronger. And the truth be told, if it weren’t for her, I don’t know that I would still be here. She saved my life. And that makes her even more precious to me.

So how is it that I am writing this at this moment vs. being with her celebrating her day? Simple. I screwed up. Again.

Yes, I used to edit words for a living. Other people’s words. And occasionally, mine. Editing means you’ve had a chance to look at the word choices, consider them, make changes and reconsider some more. The point of this process is to make things clearer, to make sure the message is properly received. In journalism, gauging how your message has been received often can be determined by how quickly the phone begins ringing and how often - usually because you’ve struck a nerve.

I often have thought having a personal word editor could be a good thing for me - I am much better at improving others’ words vs. conjuring up perfect original words of my own. Making sure the message I personally am trying to convey vs. what actually is received does not always seem to work so well for me. And that is a problem. “I” know what I was trying to say, but in many cases, no amount of attempted explanations on my part seem to do anything but further muddy the situation.

That can be especially difficult when the very person you want to understand you the most seems to get the worst communication from you. That is what has happened again. My words have caused hurt and pain, not any understanding. And that has resulted in her excluding me - the one she loves and who loves her with all of my heart - from all of her birthday plans for the weekend. And as her birthday also falls the day before New Year’s Eve, it means I also am prevented from wrapping her in my arms and kissing her at midnight as I repeatedly have dreamed of doing for the last year.

I have no one to blame for this but me. It is my own damn fault. Simple words or complex words - makes no difference - if the only place the words/thoughts are clear is in my head, that is a problem. Trying to explain with even more words after the fact what you meant with your original words just doesn’t work.

Not getting to spend time with her is hard, especially since I am a big believer in celebrating birthdays and told her several times in since last Nov/Dec that birthdays are important and not to be disregarded.

I baked her a birthday cake, complete with homemade frosting. I have a few gifts, but they can wait. All but one, that is, and that is the gift of editing my mouth.

Time is too precious to miss special moments with the one you love or to make them feel their moments are not special to you. I am sorry I have done this.

A note for my birthday girl: Happy birthday, Babe. I love you with all my heart and I am so glad you were born on this day. I have been quietly celebrating it all day, and I will continue to until I drift off to sleep later to dream of you.